#104 This is not a poker game

When it comes to habits, the missing piece of the puzzle is often the very first one.

Even more often, it’s not even opening the box to see what’s inside.

Because looking at the picture on the box is safer, easier, and sometimes just the best option.

But it’s not fulfilling.

And if it’s not fulfilling, what’s it all about?

I’ve tirelessly written at least 300 journal entries on the same topic in the belief that in the 301st, I’ll strike gold and find the exact words I’m looking for.

And it took me a while to accept that that’s an illusion.

Maybe every attempt is really just the same struggle to find the right words for ideas, thoughts, insights that were never meant to be captured into words in the first place?

And yet I bend, I twist, I turn, I squirm,
I write, re-write
and never am I satisfied.

I get closer, or so I think
And then the next day, I jump back in
and instantly sink.

I need answers…
Even though deep down I know,
the only certainty is that I’ll never get them.

Yet, I have to try.

Because while every day of writing is a struggle, the true value lies in the daily struggle of writing.

Although it might look like I’m not making progress, writing and creativity is just not a linear process.

In reality, as long as a I write every day, I’m focusing my mind on what I’m trying to say. I’m sculpting away, and someway, somehow the essence will emerge from my 300 journal entries and reveal itself.

How? I don’t know.

When? I don’t know.

Probably not while I’m writing (read why here)… even though the writing is what makes it possible.

Anyway.

Now I know day 1, 11, 50, 299, 300, 301, 3001 are all equally important…
I’m finally ready to accept the struggle
and write in peace.

Learning a foreign language is both a frustrating and liberating experience.

We can focus on the frustration of not understanding the words the way we understand our mother tongue. Or we can realize that without the words, we are free to fall back on other ways of capturing and understanding meaning.

A crying baby can be soothed by words it does not yet understand, because she senses what’s behind the sounds, lets the meaningless melody cradle her to sleep…

Similarly, we don’t always have to know what’s behind the words, as long as we make an effort to understand the meaning behind the sounds.

Hearing a foreign language brings us back to that wordless world the way we experienced it as a newborn, before we tried so hard to put everything within and around us into language.

It makes us remember, there’s more to life than our words will ever allow us to express. And somehow, that’s a soothing thought.

I’ve met many aspiring writers who weren’t writing regularly.

But I’ve never met a successful writer who wasn’t writing regularly.

Or yogis.

Or musicians.

Or athletes.