#169 The things you never need to be good at

Habit hardliner. Epicurean. Ruthless achiever. Compassionate pushover.

I identify with all of the above, my friend. And even though they can all be positive, I’m pretty good at letting those qualities shine in the wrong situations.

The habit hardliner over-disciplining themselves and those around them.

The epicurean making indulgent food decisions every day.

The ruthless achiever neglecting their family.

The compassionate guy being a pushover in business negotiations.

So more out of necessity than ambition, I started asking myself: Who’s in charge right now?

Are they the adequate identity to be in charge in whatever situation you’re in?

It’s insightful. Not always fun. But insightful.

And as you know by now, I like to share insights with you, my friend. Because who knows, maybe one day, one of these insights will be enlightening to you, too?

So I invite you to give it a try.

Right here, right now: who’s in charge?

Maybe you’ve let some of your qualities shine in the wrong situations too.

Do you really want to write a book? Or do you actually want to dream about writing a book?

Do you really want to drop everything and move to a sea-side town? Or do you want to dream about dropping everything and move to a sea-side town?

Both are fine. Both can be fulfilling, because often, having a dream is enough.

But both are not the same.

Only you will know if it’s the dream that makes you happy, or the action you want to take.

It’s hard not to trust someone who fully trusts themselves.

But it’s hard not to accept someone who fully accepts themselves.

It’s hard not to be at ease around someone fully at ease with themselves.

In other words: if you want others to trust, accept, and be at ease with you, first learn to trust, accept, and be at ease with yourself.

You don’t need anyone else for that – just some tiny daily actions that prove that trust, acceptance, and comfort to yourself.

Oh, and you could start with that today.

You don’t have to.

But you could. And if you could, why wouldn’t you?

Most people don’t really want the freedom to do anything they want, in other words, a life without constraints.

They want the freedom to set their own constraints.

To decide, “I want to spend my time writing,” instead of saying, “I am supposed to become a lawyer because that’s what we do in this family.”

To decide, “I don’t drink alcohol,” instead of saying, “My social circle forces me to have a glass when I’m out.”

To decide, “I want to live in that house, drive that car, and go on that exotic holiday, and I’m going to make it happen,” instead of saying, “I’m constrained by my talent, potential, current job, or where I grew up.”

To decide, “I have time to learn a new language because it’s important to me,” instead of saying, “I’m too busy, I can’t (or don’t deserve to) do anything nice for myself.”

Good or bad, beneficial or misguided, constraints are always there.

Because life constantly forces you to make decisions, and every decision leads to a new constraint.

Since it’s challenging to be aware of your decisions and their long-term constraining effects, which constraints do you consider important enough to set consciously (and spend considerable time and effort doing so)?

Where do you allow others to dictate the constraints you live within?

Who do you allow to dictate the constraints you live within?

Pick your freedom battles.