#230 It’s so much, until it isn’t

If I don’t write the post I intended to write, I actively avoid the desired result of my writing.

If I don’t do the workout I intended to do, I actively avoid the desired result of my workout (being in better shape, running a new PR,…)

If I don’t have the difficult conversation I intended to have, I actively avoid the desired result of that conversation.

Inaction is not the lack of action.

Inaction is taking active action to avoid working towards the result you desire.

The real question, then, is:

Why do I actively avoid working toward a desired result?

Am I worried that even if I write daily, I’ll never become a skilled writer?

Am I worried I won’t enjoy writing anymore if I ever get recognition?

Am I worried that writing every day will turn me into a skilled writer, but being a professional writer won’t be fulfilling?

P.S. I’m sure you’ve noticed by now that I only have a limited repertoire of examples in this newsletter, my friend

I trust you to apply the insight to your situation.

And maybe, when you’re pondering the question above, you’ll come to the same conclusion as me:

That more often than not, I’m more interested in the comfort of “wanting” something I don’t have than in “taking action to get something.”

Getting worked up about traffic jams is not pleasant, but it’s predictable. And addictive.

So is giving up on writing a book, quitting a workout regime, and re-living any conflict or failure.

Not pleasant. But predictable.

This is how you’ve always felt. And this is how you’ll always feel – unless you become aware of the unpleasant, predictable, addictive patterns and decide to act differently.

Not only once, not twice, but every time you become aware of the pattern until you’ve built enough self-trust that you know the unpleasant predictable events aren’t inevitable.

Overgeneralization: I failed to stick to a new habit once, so I’ll always give up.

Undergeneralization: Even though I’ve been writing consistently for months, I’m still expecting the day I’ll finally give up again.

Both are manifestations of self-sabotage and perpetuations of a negative self-image.

The only way out: don’t focus on habits, focus on Tiny Trust Builders.

Let your actions be a vote for who you want to be.

Let your actions overrule your thoughts.

Let your actions change your identity.

One day at a time.

Unintentional living and identity building look like this:

1. Actions are inspired by pain and pleasure.
2. Repeated pain and pleasure lead to repeated actions.
3. Repeated actions lead to habits.
4. Habits shape your identity.

“Life made me who I am, and I can’t do anything about it.”

Intentional living and identity building look like this:

1. Who do I want to be? What’s my desired identity?
2. Which habits that would turn me into that person do I not have in place right now?
3. Which repeated actions that would build that habit am I not currently taking?
4. Which reactions to pain and pleasure triggers in my life can I change? Which pain and pleasure triggers can I ban out of my life completely?

“While the past has shaped me, the way I choose to live my life today, tomorrow, and every day after, will determine who I am.”

You’re living anyway. Your actions are votes for an identity anyway. So you might as well do it intentionally.