#406 Show up today, just because

The first hour after I was born, 60 minutes encapsulated my entire life outside the womb.

An hour is an eternity.

When I celebrated my first trip around the sun, one year encapsulated my entire life outside the womb.

An hour is not that long anymore. But a year… that’s an eternity.

When I’ll celebrate my 30th birthday next year, one year encapsulates about 1/30th of my experience in this body here on earth.

A year is not that long anymore. But 30 years… that’s an eternity.

Lukas Van Vyve

There’s an absolute, immutable version of time, and then there’s our felt interpretation, which speeds up with every passing moment because we compare it to all the “time we’ve lived so far”.

Maybe that’s why the older we get, the more effort it takes to stay in the present moment?

Because, unlike a newborn child, for whom, compared to its short lifespan, an hour is an eternity, and every second is an opportunity to discover, drink in the world, explore…

We’ve lived so many hours, minutes, and seconds that we don’t care anymore.

with every passing year
i’m more in a hurry
and the days, minutes, seconds
become ever more blurry

i can live fast and miss out
or slow down
listen, look around
be here, right now
let the world whisper loud
what life is all about

and at last
i hear you again.

Lukas Van Vyve

Starting a new habit seems to come with three universal “self-trust issues”:

Trust in my Intentions. “Do I even have the time for this? Does making time for this make me selfish… Is it even good for me to spend time on this, out of all the priorities in life? Will this do me in any good in the long term?”

Trust in my Ability to follow through. “I’ll probably give up at the first opportunity, and then beat myself up again for not following through.”

Trust in my Skills. “Am I even good enough? I don’t notice any improvement, I don’t think this is working for me. I don’t think I can do this.”

(Source: Eben Pagan)

And even though I’ve slowly been gaining trust across all three dimensions in the past two years…

Whenever I start something new – like publishing a daily insight – the same trust issues resurface.

“Trust in my ability to follow through” is a particularly tough cookie. Not a day goes by without a self-defeating and endlessly annoying voice whispering in my ear: “Go ahead, try me. See how long you last before you return with another habit you gave up on…”

Which leads me to the Completion Paradox:

Trust in my ability to complete things is not a prerequisite to get started. It’s earned through getting started in the first place and then, slowly, but surely, day by day, following through. Completing something every single day. Proving to myself that I can, in fact, trust myself to follow through. Building up that self-trust every day through tiny trust builders.

So… the questions I keep in mind today:

• How can I bring my positive habit-building experiences from the past, and the trust I built into this new activity?
• What would it feel like if, instead of spoiling the fun of starting this daily publishing with nagging self-doubt, waiting for the “inevitable moment where I’ll give up”… I celebrate each time I’m following through and see it as another step closer to a new habit… another step closer to self-trust?

Taking it one step further:

• What would it feel like to have this new habit in place already? How would I act if I already had enough trust that no matter what happens, even if I miss a day, or even a week, I’ll return back to daily publishing?

And with those questions in mind, I realize a simple thought can put my mind at ease…

“It’s all fine… I’ve been through this before.”

Because when my dreams start drowning in doubts
And desire turns into despair
When I suddenly see what I always had in me
Who I could be
Yet my thoughts already declare defeat
I step back
Look back
Feel back
And when at last I notice
That day by day,
I’m finally unleashing the calling I’ve always ignored
I remind myself
It’s all fine. I’ve been through this before.

when the cracks in my faux finish
finally appear
my mind screams out
you’re coming too near

yet i resist the need to hide
lean in to the fear
let the cracks grow wide
because after all these years
slowly steadily submerged under layers of snow
frozen frightened i don’t know where else to go

i feel i’m sliding back into my head
but you don’t let me
instead
you keep me here
make even more light appear
look at the fear
until the icy flawed frozen faux finish finally fully melts away
into a trembling torrent of tears

and through the sobs
subtle shining light teardrops
mix mingle mend my mind
my heart my soul a warmth so kind

you guide my gaze and through the tears
in my eyes a rainbow appears
eclipsing the fear
making it clear
that when I dare to feel complete
allow your heart and mine to meet

i finally remember
that I’m enough
i’ve always been

and at last
i can be seen

Lukas Van Vyve