#29 The myth of self-sabotage

ByLukas
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All behavior is inspired by avoiding pain or gaining pleasure – and since you usually act on what your brain perceives as the most intense of the two.

So if you think you desire something, but then “sabotage” yourself so you never get what you desire, that means you have mixed feelings about desire (and thus inner conflict): deep down, you feel that desire will give you more pain than pleasure.

In other words, it’s not self-sabotage: it’s your brain protecting you from pain it perceives as stronger than the pleasure you might get from reaching your goal.

Maybe you desire more money, but deep down, you feel money will corrupt you, or make you lose friends, make you feel guilty, or make you lose your drive.

Maybe you have a desire to write or create, but you feel the pain of judgment or rejection is stronger than the pleasure of creating.

Maybe you want to get in shape, but deep down, you feel you’ll give up anyway before reaching any meaningful results, so you’d rather save yourself the pain of future disappointment (a classic self-trust problem).

Maybe you notice a certain destructive pattern in your relationships, but you believe going to therapy and “opening up that can of worms” will be even worse than perpetuating the current situation.

If you keep sabotaging yourself, it might be worth to ask yourself the question: what pain am I avoiding? What am I afraid of? In my imagination, what’s going to happen when I reach my goal; both positive AND negative?

Or even better than just asking: journal about it.

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    #53 The flow of skill- and habit-building

    ByLukas

    First, build trust in your good intentions. In other words: take actions that are “votes for the person you want to be“.

    Then, build trust in your ability to persevere. In other words: build a habit.

    Only then, you start building trust in your ability to constantly improve and become good (or excellent). In other words: build skill.

    Building the habit is the hard part – even more so if you simultaneously try to “be good at what you do”. Once your reach habit escape velocity and the habit is in place, building skill becomes way easier.

    Another reason why there’s power in publishing imperfect work.

    First I become good at writing every day.
    Then I become good at writing.

    First I become good at playing the guitar every day.
    Then I become good at playing the guitar.

    First I become good at doing yoga every day.
    Then I become good at yoga.

    First I become good at meditating every day.
    Then I become good at meditating.

    Lukas Van Vyve
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    #166 It’s not about goals, it’s about the questions they raise

    ByLukas

    “If successful and unsuccessful people share the same goals, then the goal cannot be what differentiates the winners from the losers.”

    https://jamesclear.com/goals-systems

    It’s not about having goals. It’s about the follow-up questions goals raise.

    “Will pursuing this goal be good for me? Physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially?”

    “Is there any part of myself, my environment, and the people I care about that will suffer if I pursue this goal?”

    “Who will I have become when I have achieved this goal?”

    “Who do I need to be today to achieve this goal?”

    “Which actions can I take today that bring me closer to achieving a goal?”

    Repeated actions will overrule your thoughts. Repeated actions will change your identity. Better choose your goals and your actions intentionally.

  • #67 Caffè sospeso

    ByLukas

    In working-class cafés in Napoli, people who experienced good luck often buy a coffee, then another one “pending”, which the barista can serve to anyone at his own discretion: a caffè sospeso.

    A symbol of social trust and solidarity. Or, in the hands of marketeers and big coffee chains, a tool for increasing sales.

    Regardless, it’s an act minimal enough to not to turn the donor into a hero, and small enough not to affect the receiver’s self-worth.

    If such accessible acts of generosity make the donor feel good, and the receiver of a free coffee too…

    And if it’s something almost everyone can do, not just billionaire philanthropists…

    It’s an initiative worth spreading. Maybe not only for coffee.

  • #341 Think smaller

    ByLukas

    If doing your Tiny Trust Builder feels impossible today, it’s not tiny enough.

    Write one paragraph, not one blog post.

    Write one sentence, not one paragraph.

    Write one word, not one sentence.

    Write one letter, not one word.

    Write whatever feels achievable to you, until you arrive at something you can do every day.

    Think smaller, until you notice the insurmountable suddenly feels achievable.

  • #14 Meeting myself where I am

    ByLukas

    When writing, the most hurtful words enter your head when no words leave your pen.

    A blank page is a mirror of our own insecurities, frightening, judgmental…

    I found the only way to get through is meeting myself where I am.

    Inspired, afraid, angry, frustrated, fearful of poor work, poor words, or no words at all…

    This is where the journey starts.

    The moment I accept that, I am free again.

    This is why I love Stream-Of-Consciousness writing. Whatever state I am in, I transfer the stream of thoughts, the inner dialogue to the page, and see where the flow takes me.

    Here’s what I’ve learned: it always takes me somewhere.

    And that’s enough to get started.

    Because a blank page is also a promise of all my creative potential, waiting to materialize.

    And when the words finally emerge
    everything flows
    and my self-trust grows.

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    #70 Day 70 – This Is My Path

    ByLukas

    Daily blog post number 70.

    Sometimes I’m frustrated I get less “work” done than before I started publishing daily posts.

    Until I remind myself: who do I want to be?

    A writer. Who writes. And publishes his writing. Every single day.

    Then I realize: it’s not just who I want to be anymore, but who I choose to be. Every single day.

    This is my path.

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