Intentional Living

Habit hardliner. Epicurean. Ruthless achiever. Compassionate pushover.

I identify with all of the above, my friend. And even though they can all be positive, I’m pretty good at letting those qualities shine in the wrong situations.

The habit hardliner over-disciplining themselves and those around them.

The epicurean making indulgent food decisions every day.

The ruthless achiever neglecting their family.

The compassionate guy being a pushover in business negotiations.

So more out of necessity than ambition, I started asking myself: Who’s in charge right now?

Are they the adequate identity to be in charge in whatever situation you’re in?

It’s insightful. Not always fun. But insightful.

And as you know by now, I like to share insights with you, my friend. Because who knows, maybe one day, one of these insights will be enlightening to you, too?

So I invite you to give it a try.

Right here, right now: who’s in charge?

Maybe you’ve let some of your qualities shine in the wrong situations too.

You’re dissatisfied with your social life, but not so much that you feel terribly lonely – so you don’t change anything.

You’re dissatisfied with your physical fitness, but not so much that you’re in pain every day – so you put up with slow deterioration.

You’re dissatisfied with your current job, but not so much that you’re dragging yourself to work – so you put up with unfulfilling days.

Being satisfied with some areas of your life is good.

Being intensely dissatisfied with some areas of your life is fine, too – because that unhappiness can be the leverage you need to make a change.

But comfortable dissatisfaction – that’s the zone where dreams and happiness go to die. And boy, have I spent a lot of time there.

So I hope you are satisfied with your life, my friend.

And if not, I hope you’re at least intensely dissatisfied.

Let that be the fuel you need to take action to change.

No one is bad at sticking to habits.

Because everyone’s day-to-day life is stitched together with recurring activities anyway, whether you consciously choose to do them or not.

Maybe you brush your teeth every day – and that has become a non-negotiable.

Maybe you wash your hands before every meal – and that has become a non-negotiable.

Maybe you shower every morning right after waking up – and that has become a non-negotiable.

Maybe you write every day – and that has become a non-negotiable.

Maybe you practice yoga three times a week – and that has become a non-negotiable.

Maybe you spend 10 minutes daily catching up with family, friends, acquaintances, or relatives you haven’t seen in a while – and that has become a non-negotiable.

Habits are habits.

And that has an interesting consequence:

If you can do that, you can also do this.

I could consider myself a writer if I write 20,000 words a day – and I would be right.

Or I could consider myself a writer if I write one sentence a day – and I would be right.

I could consider myself a writer if I’ve written a book – and I would be right.

Or I could consider myself a writer the moment I’ve decided I’m going to be a writer – and I would be right.

I could consider myself a writer if I’ve built up enough self-trust and taken enough daily actions that prove that I genuinely care about being a writer – and I would be right.

Whether you’re aware of them or not, you’re using subjective measuring sticks for everything, usually determined by upbringing, culture, and societal pressure.

But nothing stops you from consciously choosing your measuring sticks (depending on your goals, you could make them easier or more challenging) and setting yourself up for more fulfillment and success.

Here are some questions that can help:

When you say you want to be {successful, happy, fulfilled, fit, wealthy}…

How do you know you’re reaching your goal?

Is it an achievement?

A material possession?

A feeling?

An action you take?

A decision you make?

Choose wisely.

You feel bad because you don’t write.

And when you write, you feel bad because you’re scared of the inevitable day you stop writing.

That’s how you create a self-improvement prison.

And that prison has only one way out.

Intend to do what’s good for you.

Then realize that even if you don’t live up to that standard all the time, you’re still worthy of self-love and self-trust.

Focus on intention, not outcome.

Focus on cultivating elastic discipline rather than on becoming a habit hardliner.

Focus on the general direction of your life, not a day-by-day judgment of your every action.

Maintain a majority vote for who you want to be.

Realize you’re not going to be perfect today – and being perfect isn’t the goal anyway.

Overgeneralization: I failed to stick to a new habit once, so I’ll always give up.

Undergeneralization: Even though I’ve been writing consistently for months, I’m still expecting the day I’ll finally give up again.

Both are manifestations of self-sabotage and perpetuations of a negative self-image.

The only way out: don’t focus on habits, focus on Tiny Trust Builders.

Let your actions be a vote for who you want to be.

Let your actions overrule your thoughts.

Let your actions change your identity.

One day at a time.

On the days when I feel like everything I write is bad, I choose to be a writer.

On the days when I feel like the most inspired writer, I choose to be a writer.

On the days when I need to skip a day because life gets in the way, I choose to be a writer.

On the days when I don’t feel like a writer, I choose to be a writer.

And especially on the days when I don’t write, I choose to be a writer by trusting that soon enough, I’ll write again.

I choose to be a writer, not through pressuring myself into hardliner habits but through my daily commitment to the general direction I want my life to take.

Focus on making the majority of your actions and decisions align with who you want to be.

When you do that, you’ll always bounce back.

You kind of want to run a marathon.

You kind of want to eat better.

You kind of want to move more.

You kind of want to feel better.

And everything kind of stays the same.

Only when “kind of” becomes “absolutely” and “want to” becomes “choose to” change happens.

I absolutely choose to write.

I absolutely choose to run a marathon.

I absolutely choose to eat better.

I absolutely choose to move more.

I absolutely choose to do whatever it takes to feel better.

Because there is no other way.

Where am I scared of getting what I want, stopping myself from seeing that I already have it?

Where am I addicted to the feeling of not having what I want, to the degree that I can’t see I already have it?

Where has a feeling of scarcity become the goal I pursue, stopping me from feeling fulfilled?

An aspiring writer who doesn’t believe writing is a valuable skill in our current society and focuses on building a traditional career instead.

An aspiring runner who doesn’t believe running is a good use of their time in our current society and goes out for drinks every night.

An aspiring classical musician who doesn’t believe society will ever appreciate their art – and goes into pop music instead.

If you want to turn aspirations into achievements, you’ll have to decide for yourself what’s valuable, even if it goes against what society and tradition prescribe.

So to make writing a valuable skill, write.

To make running a good use of your time, run.

To make the world appreciate your classical music, practice classical music.

To make anything worthwhile, show that it’s worth your while.

Because going against the mainstream is not just necessary to achieve your aspirations – it’s what makes your aspirations valuable in the first place.