“Because that’s the way I always did it”. “Because that’s how I was raised.” “Because that’s just who I am.”
“Because that’s the way I intend to do it.” “Because that’s how I believe I should act.” “Because that’s just who I choose to become.”
Without bringing intention to your life, you won’t live the way you want but the way you started.
In working-class cafés in Napoli, people who experienced good luck often buy a coffee, then another one “pending”, which the barista can serve to anyone at his own discretion: a caffè sospeso.
A symbol of social trust and solidarity. Or, in the hands of marketeers and big coffee chains, a tool for increasing sales.
Regardless, it’s an act minimal enough to not to turn the donor into a hero, and small enough not to affect the receiver’s self-worth.
If such accessible acts of generosity make the donor feel good, and the receiver of a free coffee too…
And if it’s something almost everyone can do, not just billionaire philanthropists…
It’s an initiative worth spreading. Maybe not only for coffee.
All behavior is inspired by avoiding pain or gaining pleasure – and since you usually act on what your brain perceives as the most intense of the two.
So if you think you desire something, but then “sabotage” yourself so you never get what you desire, that means you have mixed feelings about desire (and thus inner conflict): deep down, you feel that desire will give you more pain than pleasure.
In other words, it’s not self-sabotage: it’s your brain protecting you from pain it perceives as stronger than the pleasure you might get from reaching your goal.
Maybe you desire more money, but deep down, you feel money will corrupt you, or make you lose friends, make you feel guilty, or make you lose your drive.
Maybe you have a desire to write or create, but you feel the pain of judgment or rejection is stronger than the pleasure of creating.
Maybe you want to get in shape, but deep down, you feel you’ll give up anyway before reaching any meaningful results, so you’d rather save yourself the pain of future disappointment (a classic self-trust problem).
Maybe you notice a certain destructive pattern in your relationships, but you believe going to therapy and “opening up that can of worms” will be even worse than perpetuating the current situation.
If you keep sabotaging yourself, it might be worth to ask yourself the question: what pain am I avoiding? What am I afraid of? In my imagination, what’s going to happen when I reach my goal; both positive AND negative?
Or even better than just asking: journal about it.
You don’t have to believe you can do, be or achieve something today.
But you must trust there’s always a tiny daily action, fairly easy to take, that goes against your disbelief.
A tiny daily trusty builder, repeated every day, that chips away at your skepticism and plants a seed of self-trust in your brain: “Maybe I CAN change”?
Then one day, you wake up and you believe: I can be whoever I choose to be.
An aspiring writer who doesn’t believe writing is a valuable skill in our current society and focuses on building a traditional career instead.
An aspiring runner who doesn’t believe running is a good use of their time in our current society and goes out for drinks every night.
An aspiring classical musician who doesn’t believe society will ever appreciate their art – and goes into pop music instead.
If you want to turn aspirations into achievements, you’ll have to decide for yourself what’s valuable, even if it goes against what society and tradition prescribe.
So to make writing a valuable skill, write.
To make running a good use of your time, run.
To make the world appreciate your classical music, practice classical music.
To make anything worthwhile, show that it’s worth your while.
Because going against the mainstream is not just necessary to achieve your aspirations – it’s what makes your aspirations valuable in the first place.
No one can tell you
Where you should go
But if you trust yourself enough
Then wherever energy must flow
Life will show.
If you don’t often go on detours, would there even be life in your day?
Maybe going astray IS the way.
