You can do everything right and still fail.
You can do everything wrong and still succeed.
In the end, all you can do is realize that failure and success aren’t always yours to control.
In the end, all you can do is do the best you can.
Overgeneralization: I failed to stick to a new habit once, so I’ll always give up.
Undergeneralization: Even though I’ve been writing consistently for months, I’m still expecting the day I’ll finally give up again.
Both are manifestations of self-sabotage and perpetuations of a negative self-image.
The only way out: don’t focus on habits, focus on Tiny Trust Builders.
Let your actions be a vote for who you want to be.
Let your actions overrule your thoughts.
Let your actions change your identity.
One day at a time.
All behavior is inspired by avoiding pain or gaining pleasure – and since you usually act on what your brain perceives as the most intense of the two.
So if you think you desire something, but then “sabotage” yourself so you never get what you desire, that means you have mixed feelings about desire (and thus inner conflict): deep down, you feel that desire will give you more pain than pleasure.
In other words, it’s not self-sabotage: it’s your brain protecting you from pain it perceives as stronger than the pleasure you might get from reaching your goal.
Maybe you desire more money, but deep down, you feel money will corrupt you, or make you lose friends, make you feel guilty, or make you lose your drive.
Maybe you have a desire to write or create, but you feel the pain of judgment or rejection is stronger than the pleasure of creating.
Maybe you want to get in shape, but deep down, you feel you’ll give up anyway before reaching any meaningful results, so you’d rather save yourself the pain of future disappointment (a classic self-trust problem).
Maybe you notice a certain destructive pattern in your relationships, but you believe going to therapy and “opening up that can of worms” will be even worse than perpetuating the current situation.
If you keep sabotaging yourself, it might be worth to ask yourself the question: what pain am I avoiding? What am I afraid of? In my imagination, what’s going to happen when I reach my goal; both positive AND negative?
Or even better than just asking: journal about it.
Becoming disciplined is simple: persevere more often than you quit.
You don’t always have to persevere. That’s an impossibly high standard.
Just stick to your habits and projects more often than you quit.
Then let cognitive dissonance do its work: your beliefs will start shifting to align with your actions.
You’re a go-getter now.
Maybe, when you take away the flaws, the whole fabric disintegrates.
Maybe we’re perfectly flawed.
You’re likely to encounter consistency challenges.
After all, nobody feels motivated every day.
Maybe you’ll have a day where you’re busy or not feeling great, and writing, running, or doing yoga, seems like the last thing you want to do.
Luckily, you don’t need to feel motivated to write one sentence.
You don’t even need to want to write to have words appear on the screen or paper.
You just need to be reminded that you want to be a writer.
And writers write, even if they don’t feel like it.
And so it goes for runners, yogis, meditators, athletes, crafstmen, lovers.
The only future we habitually see for ourselves is the one our past illuminates.
The moment we take a flashlight, intentionally aim our gaze, and look at what lies beyond the shade of the past, we see what’s truly possible for us.
It’s a counterintuitive process.
It takes courage and energy.
It’s what intentional living is all about.
